Moving Ahead with Hope
Dear Lord,
I come to you today and I lift up everyone reading this prayer Lord. I pray healing over their body from head to toe. I pray Lord that they are able to get any medication and food that is needed. Send them someone Lord to help them. I rebuke all sickness and disease in their body.
We thank you that you are a compassionate and caring God and you are our Healer. You are Jehovah Rapha.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Well, it is officially the Holiday Season, ready or not…
I personally spent my Thanksgiving alone and sick. Which wasn’t all bad since I was able to get a few things accomplished.
On to tackle the big one, Christmas Day.
I remember a couple years ago when my ex and I had already divorced, his parents invited me and the kids over for Christmas Dinner and games.
We had a good time, but on the way home nostalgia overtook me, and I cried all the way home reminiscing of all the Christmases past.
And although it was nice to see the ex’s parents that year I don’t recommend spending time with your ex’s family. It was just too much of a reminder (for me at least).
Never mind the fact that the ex and I usually argued every Christmas about which family’s house we were going to (usually splitting it three ways), and when it was time to leave.
But now that a few years have gone by since the split, the holidays have gotten slightly easier. If I spend the holidays alone, it’s actually ok. There’s quite a few people in my circle that are alone as well.
Something that makes the holidays easier for us are creating new traditions. Don’t spend your holiday in the same place as in times past (unless you want to).
Fortunately for us I have a friend that makes these cute Sugar Cookie decorating kits. I buy one or two every year and the kids and I decorate them on Christmas Eve. That takes our minds off things for a bit.
We also like to take drives and explore new places such as looking at Christmas lights in neighborhoods we haven’t been to before.
Another favorite thing to do at Christmas is to get a few gifts together for families or children in need. My daughter and I like to pick out a few toys for the kids. It makes our hearts happy to help others out and leave the stresses of daily life behind.
So if you find yourself alone this Christmas remember King Jesus, the one who gave His life for you. He loves you so much, and He is ever present.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
*Trigger Warning*
After another big argument with my ex-husband I told him to leave. He packed his suitcase and walked out the front door.
I was despondent. Looking back on my life all I could see were mistakes and regrets. Every part of my life was in shambles.
All my friends stopped talking to me after my husband’s arrest.
I felt I wasn’t a good mom.
My parents and I didn’t get along.
All I had to show in my life were ruined relationships.
I grabbed every single bottle of medicine I could find in my house and dumped it all on my bed.
I started to write my goodbye note to my kids.
I was interrupted by a phone call. Looking down at my phone I saw it was my brother calling.
I ignored the phone call and started to write again. Another call came in. This time it was my friend. Then a text came in. My friend was inviting me to church. I ignored that too and continued with my goodbye letter.
All of a sudden my husband burst through the door.
The words were barely out of his mouth “Did you get the text from…?” “What are you doing?!”
The look of realization showed on his face as he saw all the pills dumped out on the bed.
I said I couldn’t take anything anymore and ran to the bathroom and locked the door where I layed on the cold hard floor and cried.
He talked to me through the door and convinced me to go to my friend’s Pentecostal church that moment.
We arrived late and I was exhausted. There was a fiery preacher from Louisiana. I had never heard preaching like that before being raised in a Catholic Church with my mom and a Mormon Church on weekends with my dad.
He walked over to us and gave us a word from the Lord. “I know how hard it was for you to get here.” He gave us a few more words that without a doubt had to be from the Lord.
The Lord saved me that day from myself and from the enemy.
He will save you too if you cry out to Him.
Don’t wait another minute.
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
More than two years after my ex-husband and I separated we finally got the divorce papers going.
He was of the opinion that I needed to file the paperwork and I was of the opinion that he should file the paperwork since he wanted the divorce.
When he told me he was going on a vacation with his girlfriend I figured it was time to get the paperwork going.
Thankfully, I remembered I had an acquaintance I had known who was a paralegal and handled divorces. I gave her a call and she agreed to file all the necessary paperwork.
When the forms were ready my ex came over with the divorce papers ready to go. I could tell he had already crossed every “i” and dotted every “t.” He had already made notes and corrected the typographical errors. I was astonished he knew the forms so well already and where exactly I was to sign.
I’ll never forget the pure happiness he had to get this process over with. Like he could not wait for this marriage to be done. He showed me exactly where I needed to sign. I signed everything in a fog, trying to not cry while trying to comprehend what I was signing and trying not to let my emotions overtake me.
We didn’t have much of anything to split so the process to sign the papers didn’t take too long.
Looking back, I am appreciate of the peace I have when I wake up and am thankful I am no longer where I was. I continue to move forward.
Isaiah 61:3
To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The cloak of praise instead of a disheartened spirit. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.
Hi, ya’ll, well it’s been an eventful summer for me so far.
My oldest son moved out of the house.
I was hospitalized for an allergic reaction and then got Covid.
I’m currently sitting at LAX headed for my first ever solo flight across the US.
Thankfully, I’m recovering still from that allergic reaction. And Covid was just awful.
I’m looking forward to spending a long weekend with friends I’ve only met online so far.
Back to my son moving out of the house.
Honestly, I’m happy for him. But I couldn’t help but feel FEAR when he told me he was moving out. How would I afford to pay rent by myself?
I’ll admit, I had a really good cry and then immediately started looking for places to rent.
And I felt I needed to “Be still.”
Psalm 46:10
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
I just needed to breathe. And give my son my blessing to go and create the life intended for himself.
Don’t forget to “Be Still” and rely on the Great I Am for your provision and not on your own strength.
Here’s to firsts!
The police had come to my house and served a search warrant on my son and his friend shortly after arriving home from school. They were ordered to sit on the couch and not move, or use their phones while the police searched the house looking for more evidence.
After coming home I wanted to take my mind off things so I started cleaning the house well into the night. After picking up all the clothing that had been dumped onto the floor and putting back all the items that had been emptied out of boxes in the garage the night still dragged on.
I was desperate for information about my husband and called one of my longtime friend’s daughters that worked for the Sheriff’s Department.
My husband and I had taken her to my company picnic once when she was a small child and it was pretty embarrassing telling her my husband had been arrested. She was able to look in the system and tell me which jail he was in. She was very professional to me, and at the same time I could tell she was concerned.
I had told my father-in-law in an earlier conversation my husband better not call me from jail because I was so mad. Turns out I didn’t have to worry about it because he used his one phone call from jail to call his dad to come bail him out.
After that call my father-in-law called his siblings to see if they could help out with bail money. This ended up causing a huge division in the family. Mostly all of his siblings felt that my husband had caused this mess and he could get himself out of it.
These tensions affected almost everyone in the family down to cousins that were fighting with their own siblings. Some were of the opinion that what he had done was very wrong and still others had sympathy for him. These tensions still exist today, over 10 years later.
The next day when my husband came home from jail he walked in the house and grabbed his basketball. I said “We need to talk about what happened – I’m really upset” or something to that effect. He said “You’re upset? I just spent the night on the floor of a jail.” He took his basketball and walked out the door.
I sat in my car and cried so my kids wouldn’t see me upset. It seemed like he could care less about me, or even try to tell me what was going on. A million questions ran through my head, and I had no answers.
Sometime before I had heard of a Christian radio station and not having anyone to talk to I decided to call in. An elderly man answered and he sounded exactly like my grandpa that had just passed away the year before. He prayed for me and just like that hung up before I could say another word. His voice comforted me and his prayers strengthened me enough to face the day.
I dried my tears and walked back into the house.
Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
I knew I had been in a slump for what seemed like forever, exhausted and working two jobs, challenges with being a single mom after divorce and feeling left behind and left out looking at other friends posts of their fabulous vacations, new homes, new cars, and new babies while I felt like I was barely making it, recycling cans and buying my clothes and dishes at thrift stores and garage sales.
Not that there is anything wrong with this, (I actually love going to thrift stores and garage sales) but I have to admit I felt jealous and a little bitter when I looked through others social media posts and compared my life to theirs.
And my negativity spilled out into every aspect of my life. I was little Miss Debbie Downer.
Well, yearly review time came at work and I knew I worked hard and had made my desire known that I felt I was deserving of a promotion.
So, I was thrilled when my boss called me and gave me a good review.
But then she said “If I could just offer you some feedback.”
And just like that the wind was knocked out of my sails. I could just feel what was coming next was going to be something I did not want to hear.
Well, it seemed like my negativity about myself and my beliefs in my capabilities of not being able to handle my transition into my new role had made its way back to my supervisor’s ears.
For lack of a better term “ugh.”
And although she stated she believed in me, I needed to believe in myself and I needed to start acting like I was capable of handling my new position because she knew I could.
And just like that it “clicked” in my mind.
I was actually limiting myself. I had almost stopped myself from going any farther in my company because of my UNBELIEF and NEGATIVITY.
Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.
You know what I came to realize? If you don’t believe in yourself, who will? I was fortunate to have a boss that was able to see something in me that I was not able to see, but how often does that happen?
That was the wake up call I needed.
I have been truly grateful for those trips to the thrift store and all the surprises I was able to find there, and the kind lady that I met who let me pick the lemons off her tree for free so I was able to make my son that delicious cold lemonade, and for the lady who gave me a leather planner with the Bible scriptures already inside that seemed like they were there just for me.
Psalm 139:14 I will give thanks to You, because I am awesomely and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.
Philippians 4:12-13
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
You are unique and God made all of us with different talents and gifts. Just because your life may look different than another’s doesn’t mean it’s not good. Don’t waste your time being bitter because you don’t have everything you think you need. Be thankful for the trials, can you thank Him in the midst of trials? I know, it’s tough.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
Now when that co-worker asks “How are you doing?” I answer “I am doing GREAT.”
Because I am doing great with an Awesome Father.
And I know you are too, because I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself yet.
Part I
Ten years ago on Good Friday my ex-husband was arrested.
I never wanted to talk about it because of the shame and embarrassment it caused my children and I, plus I never felt it was my story to tell. But it affected me too, and it altered my path in life.
My ex-husband and I had spoken on my lunch hour and had made plans to go to a Good Friday service at church later that night. I had no idea that his lunch plans had been to meet up with someone (who we now know was an undercover cop) to sell painkillers.
I’ll never forget the detective calling me at work and telling me my husband at the time had been arrested for selling painkillers. I literally could not understand what he was saying. It seemed like he was speaking a foreign language. I also felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I had such a severe pain in my stomach it almost took me to my knees. My coworker had to get on the phone and take down the information the detective was giving her.
I don’t know how I made the drive home, it was a blur. I was frantically calling my dad and his parents to see if someone could find out any information on where he was, and what the details were.
I got home and I recall my oldest son running out to meet me while I was still in the car. He was frantic, “Mom, did you know dad has been arrested?”
The inside of my house looked like it has been ransacked. My clothes were dumped out of the drawers onto the floor. The ladder in the garage was open and boxes had been emptied in the garage. It took me hours to get the house back to normal.
I was in shock and numb as I went about cleaning the house. Little did I know I know just how much my life was going to change.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
End of Part I
I don’t know about you, but I was happy to leave 2022 behind.
2022 was especially trying for me. Some of the things I dealt with were family members going through depression, sickness, the loss of friends through death and betrayal and good ol’ REGRET.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines REGRET as:
a: to mourn the loss or death of
b: to miss very much
2: to be very sorry for
And boy, did I have regrets. Regrets for not being a better parent, regrets for letting my anger get the best of me, regrets for not taking things seriously enough. And the list goes on.
True to 2022 my Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve ended with not being invited to a family get-together (specifically told “You are not invited”), a big argument with my ex-spouse and a broken oven.
I was exhausted and literally limping into the New Year (thanks to a knee/ankle injury).
But guess what? I woke up with a Hope and a Future on New Year’s Day. I was thankful to God that He was by my side throughout all my pains, worries and trials.
Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
God keeps track of all my sorrows. And yours too!
Luke 9:62 But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”
So guess what I left behind in 2022? Regrets. Regrets for past mistakes and things I cannot change. Regrets for trying to force friendships with toxic people. Regrets for caring so much what others think. Regrets for looking behind, constantly.
What did you leave behind in 2022? What is God speaking to you about in this year? What are your hopes for 2023?
GettingThroughWithGrace 